Posted by Geo
I call this orphaned writings. They are small bits and pieces that I have cut out of some other writing because I decided not to use it, or because it went someplace that the story didn’t. Or I wrote it down for a story idea and then abandoned it. For whatever reason these things end up in a folder entitled, Bits and Pieces, which is appropriate because that’s exactly what they are… And? Well, maybe they should have stayed there too…
The Case of Maggie’s Kittens
“So, Joe is in trouble again,” Dan said.
Cheryl looked over.
Dan nodded. “The ad for the kittens.”
“Maggie’s kittens? The ones to give away?”
“The same… So, Joe says he’ll put an ad in for her. She says thanks and thinks nothing of it. Yesterday the ad comes out and the phone starts ringing. People yelling at her. Crying into the phone. She finally figures out it’s about the kittens.”
Cheryl stopped typing and stared over the top of her glasses. “What did he do?” She lifted her coffee cup and took a sip.
Dan picked up the paper, shook it out, pushed his glasses up on his nose and read. “Free to good home, three kittens. Two black, one tiger striped.” He looked up and met her eyes and then looked back down at the paper. “Good eating size.”
Cheryl choked on her coffee. “Jesus,” she managed after a moment. “He didn’t?”
“Oh… He did. S.P.C.A. showed up at Maggie’s. Paper dropped the ad after they received complaints. S.P.C.A. took the kittens. Sheriffs department told her she’s being investigated for animal cruelty.”
“That little bastard,” Cheryl managed. Her voice was croaky sounding. The coffee had gone to bad places.
“Yeah. He is a little bastard alright. Now he’s a hiding little bastard. It would benefit Maggie if he could be found, but he’s gone somewhere.”
“Little bastard,” Cheryl repeated. She looked back at her screen. Jabbed her fingers at the keyboard for a few moments, and then got up from her chair. “I know where to find that little prick.”
“Yeah,” Dan asked?
“Yeah,” she looked down at him. “Coming?”
Dan sighed. “Okay,” he said at last. “I guess I started it.”
Cheryl laughed. “He’s your kid.”
Dan looked at her and she stopped laughing. He motioned for the door and then followed her out to the parking lot.
Truth in advertising:
Used Cat: 2013 model with gray striping. Yellow/green/red/demonic eyes. Very low miles, sleeps all the time. Has claws, poops in the house, does not respect humans, dogs, bugs or pretty much anything else. Has chewed the cords off seven mice and three power supplies, still in all is a very likable cat.
Bad dog: Very cute. Has piddled or pooped in every spot in the house. Dug up garden. Bit mailman and killed neighbors cat. Very affectionate. Cheap. Papers included, newspapers I mean, because he is sure to crap all over your house too.
The Urine Splattered Toilet seat:
My friend lives in a boarding house like setting. Many small one room apartments with a common bathroom. The problem is that some other boarders are pigs and he gets tired of cleaning up after them before he can use the toilet. So we were worrying this idea over one night and came up with this solution…
The solution to the urine splattered toilet seat: This solution will require one 20 amp electric breaker, a one hundred foot roll of wire. A cheap soldering gun. Latex gloves. A one inch spade drill bit. A cordless 3/8” drill. Some nickle silver solder with a rosin core. A plastic garbage bag. A flat head screw driver. USB Camera (Optional) and a 35 foot USB 2.0 extension cable (Also Optional). And a metal toilet seat ring.
Now locate the breaker box. Pop in your new breaker. Strip the wire back with your trusty pocket knife. Connect the circuit, make sure to run the ground too, flip the breaker to the off, or tripped position. Take the spade bit, put it in the drill and drill holes through whatever is in your way between the box and the toilet. If that be the crack whore down stairs, so be it. Once you reach the toilet area put on the latex gloves and remove the old seat with the flat head screw driver. Install the metal seat.
Now strip back the hot lead from your wire, and, using the soldering gun and the silver/nickle rosin cored solder, solder the wire to the metal seat. Strip off the gloves and dispose of them along with the old seat.
Return to the basement and look at the breaker in the off position, and behold the power you hold. Then, get yourself an alibi lined up… Spending the night with the Mayors wife… Bowling with some losers from the car wash down the road… Another lonely night drinking yourself into a stupor at the bar across the street, cutting up pictures of the crack whore downstairs… Take a red eye to Japan and see the sights… Something… But, once you have your alibi in place, and before you go, flick on the breaker… Whooo-eee...
Now let’s say you come back and the guy has been fried and nobody noticed, or, the other guy just keeps on pissing on him. Just drag the guy out of the basement once night falls. Lean the guy up against the pole out front. It will look as though he’s waiting for a bus, or a cab. It’ll take a week before someone says… “Hey… Are those pigeons eating that guy?” … The guy’s girlfriend will probably say … “I think that he’s feeding them,” she’ll squint really hard… “Yeah… He’s put bird seed on his head… Silly.” The Guy will laugh and agree and that will buy you an extra week before the girlfriend, who passes by there every day, realizes, yes, those pigeons are eating that guy. But, hey, that gives you a few weeks. Meanwhile, get rid of the other body by leaning it against the pole next to the other pole. If they are both there, it will look as though thy are talking to each other. That might even trick the guy’s girlfriend and give you an extra week.
Either way, problem solved. Oh, buy all the parts with a stolen credit card. You’ll be good. You’ll have your night of wild sex with the mayor’s wife, or your trip to Japan as an alibi. You’ll be good to go.
Now, kids, don’t try this at home. We are trained professionals. We write about stuff like this all the time. We know what we’re talking/writing about… Well sort of.
Oh, the camera… You can hook up the camera to watch, if you want to. Probably sell the video on the internet and make a bundle…
Earth’s Survivors: Apocalypse: Get This book right now!
U.K. Link: Kindle, Amazon Digital
U.S. Link: Kindle, Amazon Digital
The Zombie Plagues Book One:
The Great Go-Cart Race:
The Zombie Killers: Origins:
Okay. That’s it for this week, I’ll be back next week…
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