Posted by Geo
Left over bits
Aliens eating dog crap: From two great minds. What if we could train aliens to eat dog crap? It would solve a lot of problems. No more poop scooping. No more aliens just flying their saucers all over the place, they would go right for the dog crap. Also, no more mystery about what they want here. Fathers would tell sons, Mother’s would tell daughters, “Well, dear, they’re just here for the dog crap.” Also, no more of that annoying anal probing they always do. That’s right, they already have enough crap. And, the best thing, probably, they will tell everyone that the edible stuff on Earth tastes like crap. So, no other races of aliens coming to our planet to investigate us.
My friend was only born with one testicle. It bothered him so much that every New Years eve you could find him waiting for the other ball to drop.
Someone asked me if I ever slept with an Alien. I guess because they think I am a little weird. Okay, maybe they thought a lot weird. One of my ex-wives actually asked me if I was an alien. But this person asked me if I ever slept with an alien. So, the answer is yes. But, in my defense. It was a cold night. We may have frozen to death if not for the body heat. And, she was an illegal alien so it doesn’t count anyway, does it?
I have a friend that sometimes watches those medical lawsuit commercials, you know, the ones from the lawyers that really are seemingly chasing the ambulances. He’s a little slow and sometimes gets confused by the commercials. He called me the other day. We’ll call him Bob. Not that his name really is Bob…
“Hey, it’s me,” he said.
“Oh… great, well, this is me too, but since you called I guess you know that… What’s up, Man?”
“Well, you know we were going bowling this Friday night?”
“Uh huh,” I agreed.
“Can’t go,” he said.
“Oh… Well, that’s too bad… What’s up?”
“Um, well, it’s kind of embarrassing,“ he said.
“Oh… Well, no problem, sorry I asked,” I said.
“Listen, I’m really worried.”
“Well then, what’s wrong, Bob,” I asked? I was concerned. Must be serious for him to call me.
“Well, I’m concerned about this Trans vaginal mesh thing on the T.V.,” Bob says.
“Oh… Ex-wife… Janie?”
“Wife had the surgery?”
“You know, I never even thought of that,” Bob says.
“Oh… Mother… Sister?”
“Jesus, now I’m really worried… I was worried about me… That time I had the surgery for the hernia.”
“Um… OK… So, you were worried what, that they used trans vaginal mesh to repair it?”
“Oh, that’s bad,” Bob says. “I didn’t even think of that… But, no… When I went to see that shrink a few years back he told me I had to get in touch with my inner vagina.”
I choked. I couldn’t help it. “He said that?”
“I think so… The thing is he was saying a lot of shit, I really wasn’t paying attention. Inner feminine side, vagina, something.”
“Okay… Well, is it possible he said inner child? and … Get in touch with your feminine side?”
“Maybe,” Bob allowed. “But, you know we are all female in the womb and that means we must have a vagina and that’s what’s got me worried.”
“You’re concerned about your ex-vagina?”
“No… No… It’s …, well, uh I just don’t know if my trans vaginal mesh is in good shape or not…. Got me worried…”
“Uh… Uh… Um, I think, there is no need to worry about that, I’m pretty sure you have to have a vagina to have the uh, mesh.”
“Oh… Well, Janie was…”
“Nope… Don’t count. That was her vagina… You just used it on occasion… And, you are not even together any more.”
“Oh… Huh… Well, I guess I’ll see you Friday night then?”
“Yep. Pick you up around seven.”
Okay. Yes, I’m not all that funny, but you still read it. Let me leave you with this. As all of my friends know, I no longer drink. But if you do drink remember not to drive this holiday season. If you do most likely you’ll be caught and they’ll send you to jail. You’ll blow trial and go to state prison. Then one day you’ll be in the prison shower and some dude … Oh… Sorry. Bad memories. You get the point. Don’t drink and drive, okay?